Helping Your Tween/Teen with Big Emotions

“I hate school. I don’t want to go,” sobbed my daughter.

It was late last night and she was upset about having to go to school the next day. It’s not her favorite place this year with all the talking, yelling, attitude, and sassiness from her classmates. 

We talked for a while and after about an hour of a total breakdown and then working things through with her, I realized something really BIG.

If I hadn’t learned how to separate my emotions from her emotions and was panicking WITH her, desperately trying to fix her problem or squash her down so I could feel better, last night would have gone much differently.

It would have crushed me (and definitely not have helped her).

I can only imagine how I would have reacted. I would have said some not so nice things. I would have threatened her, invalidated her, fought with her, and broken down myself. 

And then I would have thought about her and worried about her and called therapists and my mom and sobbed to my husband, thinking that something was terribly wrong with her. 

Instead, after we talked, she stopped crying and calmed down. I told her that she was normal. That being a kid was HARD. That everything she feels, everyone feels, they just don’t talk about it. And that I was happy she was talking about how she felt and wasn’t holding it in.

I told her she could stay home if she was still struggling in the morning, but just that one day, as she hadn’t missed any school all year yet. 

And that’s exactly what happened. 

She was burned out. She was emotional and she needed a mental health day, so she stayed home.

That night, after she had the most relaxing, rejuvenating day with her brother and me, just playing games, hanging out reading and talking, she was in a great mood and went to sleep with a smile on her face. 

She just needed a break and she fought to take let me know what she needed.

We all need to learn to acknowledge when rest is our best next step and actually honor it. 

I mean, I’m still learning when I need to rest and how to give myself permission to do it. 

Ella learned this lesson at 11. 

She is able to express herself because she knows she doesn’t have to take care of my feelings.

She knows she doesn’t have to manage me because I can handle myself.

And I am able to take care of myself during her struggle and manage how I felt so I could actually help her instead of breaking down and getting overly emotional.

I would never want her to feel the need to stop expressing herself to take care of me and my feelings, which no child should have to do. 

Your child is supposed to RECEIVE care, not give it to you. It’s your responsibility, one many of us haven’t learned how to do for ourselves, and it’s not your fault. 

Usually it stems from us having to manage your parents’ emotions, or people please so others don’t reject you in childhood.

But you don’t have to do that to your kids. You can break the cycle.

If you want to learn how to support your child while taking care of yourself and your emotions, schedule a free consult with me.

I will show you how I can help you help your child grow and be more resilient through coaching them through their emotions. We will talk about how I can help you take of your own feelings and needs while taking care of your kids without sacrificing your energy. The confidence it fosters in your child is exponential. Then we will talk through your struggles and I will show you the solution to your parenting challenges on the call.

Schedule your free 60 minute consult here.

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